70 Deep Questions to Ask Your Partner or Significant Other

The best deep questions to ask your partner (or significant other) are open-ended, a little vulnerable, and about things you can't learn from their Instagram: "When do you feel closest to me?", "What's something you've never told anyone?", "What does a good life look like to you?" Ask one at a time, answer them yourself, and follow the tangents. That's where the good stuff is.

Below are 70 questions grouped by topic, from easy warm-ups to the ones you save for a long drive.

Why ask your partner or significant other deep questions?

Deep questions turn small talk into real conversation, and real conversation is how you keep learning someone after the honeymoon phase. Psychologist Arthur Aron's well-known 1997 study used a set of 36 questions that grow gradually more personal to help pairs of strangers feel closer in under an hour. The principle behind it, taking turns sharing a little more each time, works just as well with someone you already love.

Warm-up questions that still go somewhere

Start here if you're on a date night or the vibe is chill.

1. What's the smallest thing that made you happy this week?
2. What's a song that instantly changes your mood, and why?
3. What did you want to be when you were ten?
4. What's a smell that takes you straight back to childhood?
5. If you could relive one ordinary day from your life, which would it be?
6. What's something you're weirdly proud of?
7. What's a compliment you've never forgotten?
8. Who was your favorite teacher, and what did they see in you?
9. What's a place that feels like "yours"?
10. What's a hobby you'd pick up if time and money didn't matter?

Deep questions about their past

1. What was your hardest year, and what got you through it?
2. What's a moment that changed how you see the world?
3. What did your family teach you about love, on purpose or by accident?
4. Who knew you best growing up?
5. What's something you believed at 18 that you don't believe now?
6. What's a mistake you're grateful you made?
7. When did you first feel like an adult?
8. What's a memory you go back to when you need comfort?
9. Who's someone you lost touch with that you still think about?
10. What part of your childhood do you want to recreate, and what part do you want to break?

Deep questions about feelings and who they are

1. What emotion is hardest for you to show me?
2. What do you need when you're overwhelmed but don't know how to ask for?
3. When do you feel most like yourself?
4. What are you most afraid people will find out about you?
5. What does "feeling safe" mean to you?
6. What's something you're still trying to forgive yourself for?
7. When did you last feel really proud of yourself?
8. What's a question you wish people asked you more?
9. What does success mean to you right now?
10. What's something you've never told anyone, and are you willing to tell me?

What are deep questions to ask your partner about your relationship?

These are the ones that make you a better partner, as long as you're ready to hear the answers.

1. When do you feel closest to me?
2. What's something I do that makes you feel loved without me realizing it?
3. Is there a way I could love you better that I haven't asked about?
4. What's a moment in our relationship you keep coming back to?
5. What did you think of me the first time we met?
6. When did you know you wanted to be with me?
7. What's something we used to do that you miss?
8. What do you wish we talked about more?
9. How do you like to be comforted after a bad day?
10. What's one thing we're really good at as a couple?

Deep questions about the future

1. What does a really good life look like to you at 40?
2. Where do you picture us living in five years?
3. What's a dream you haven't said out loud yet?
4. What does "home" need to have for you?
5. How do you want to spend your time when you're old?
6. What traditions do you want us to start?
7. What's one thing you want to have done before you turn 30?
8. How do you feel about kids, pets, or both, right now?
9. What would you do with a year off?
10. What do you hope people say about you someday?

Deep but fun "would you rather" and hypotheticals

For when you want to go deep without it getting heavy.

1. If you could have dinner with any version of yourself, which age would you pick?
2. Would you rather know exactly how your life turns out, or never know anything in advance?
3. If we could only keep one memory from our relationship, which would you pick?
4. What would your perfect day with me look like, start to finish?
5. If you could instantly master one skill, what would it be and why?
6. If you had to write a letter to your 15-year-old self, what's the first line?
7. Which fictional couple do you think we're most like?
8. If our relationship was a movie, what would the title be?
9. What would you want in a time capsule about us?
10. If you could hear one voice from your past again, whose would it be?

How do you ask deep questions without it feeling like an interview?

Pick one or two questions, not twenty, and treat the answer as the start of a conversation. A few things help:

• Pick the right moment. Long drives, walks, cooking together and late-night calls work better than across-the-table eye contact.
• Answer too. Take turns. It's a conversation, not a deposition.
• Follow up. "What made it so hard?" is usually better than moving to the next question.
• Don't argue with the answer. If they share something vulnerable, thank them before reacting.
• Let them pass. Some questions need time. "Can I think about that one?" is a fine answer.

Doing a long-distance relationship? These work great over video. See our ideas for things to do on FaceTime and long distance date ideas.

Save the answers you'll want to hear again

Some answers are worth keeping in their own words. "What did you think of me the first time we met?" hits differently when you can replay them saying it a year later. Try asking a question by voice note and letting them answer the same way.

When Tucket launches, you'll be able to save those voice notes into a pocket for your partner, with a photo on every sound, and share the pocket so you both add to it. It's private, with no feed or strangers. Learn more at Tucket for couples.